The Question - What’s it take to raise kids that love God and love you when they’re grown? Scripture clearly shows us how. In fact in Ephesians 6:4 we have a peep hole into which if we look the whole picture of the truth and what to do opens up.
The Answer - Ephesians 6:4 – 4 Key Words
Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
- “don’t provoke” = over correct, be harsh, fault finding, perfectionist. Parents don’t keep raising the bar; watch the ought’s, must’s, should’s, and don’ts.
- “bring up” = nurture, rear, tenderly develop in the sphere of character and principles (tender love and tough love) Nurturing, in this sense, is to treat with fond affection, care and concern.
- “nurture” = discipline, chastise, training (2 Tim. 3:16 “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:) It’s what is done to the child. (Through your actions behavior is changed)
- “admonition” = instruction, warn, correct, reprove, implore It’s what is said to the child.
Summary – We are to parent with LOVE and LIMITS
In the past several weeks we have been exploring Gods plan for our lives. It starts with a Covenant marriage; Men are to step up to provide, protect, and nurture; Women are to step in to support to nurture, protect, and provide; parents are to be good stewards of the children God has blessed them where you have unconditional love for that child and that you bring the child to be raised to be a good Christian by setting limits and direct their path.
Secular Research’s Affirmation – 4 Kinds of Parents
1. Permissive = high love, low discipline; fearful style; afraid to discipline due to fear the child will not like them.
2. Neglectful = low love, low discipline; parents don’t give a rip; forsaken style.
3. Authoritarian = low love, high discipline; fighting style; Hitler; lots of ought, do, don’t, should; children reject parents and faith, and rebel.
4. Authoritative = high love, high discipline; children have positive long term relationships with family and others.
Secular research came to the conclusion that parents that provided lots of love and set limits raised well balanced adjusted children - Just as God said so many years ago!
So, how do you do this with a 2 year old, a 15 year old, a 8 year old?
In Hebrew 12:4-11 scripture gives us a snapshot of how to do this by looking on God’s parenting methods.
God’s Prescription for Child Development
“Ye have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin. 5 And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: 6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. 7 If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? 8 But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. 9 Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? 10 For they (earthly fathers) verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he (God) for our profit, (why) that we might be partakers of his holiness. 11 Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.” Hebrews 12:4-11
Summary = Discipline is teaching obedience to God and His Word through consistent consequences (actions) and clear instructions (words) in an atmosphere of love.
_ The necessity of discipline = To deter _(Destruction)_ v. 4.
Sin brings ruin to relationships with God and man, brings illness, and loss. We have a sin nature from birth; none of us has to be taught to sin.
Illustration of chalet, sports car, winding road with guardrails, they are seen by us as a distraction, a pain but God places them there for our protection; if we were to break through the guardrail we would fall 1000 feet and be a pancake. These guardrails are His instructions; they are there for our good to prevent our destruction. God loves us so much that when you get going to fast or off the path He will bring circumstance to bear to bring you back; a ding here, a loss there, what ever it takes to keep you on the right path.
_ The means of discipline = The action and words to bring about change. v. 5.
Consistent actions and clear instruction need to be given to keep one on the right path; so that you land well with holiness.
_ The motive in discipline = To express __Love_v. 6-9.
Love is giving people what they need to become all they are supposed to become; that it may be good for them.
The issue is to give your child what they need, not necessarily what they want, and what they need is to respect you.
There is a difference between punishment and discipline: punishment is to pay a price for past misdeeds; discipline is to correct behavior towards future behavior. Christ paid for past misdeeds. God never punishes but He does discipline; the goal of discipline is not payment but to redirect your path.
_ The goal of discipline = To teach _obedience _v. 9.
Ephesians 6:1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.” The word “obey” here means to respond to or be under the sound of a voice; the commands of a parent.
Teaching your small child to obey your voice quickly is paramount in the early years.
If you cannot teach your child to obey your voice the first time when they can see you, how do you expect them to obey the voice of an invisible God that cannot be seen?
Christ said John 15:14 “Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you”
_ The result of discipline = Short term _Pain_ and long term _Gain_ v. 10-11.
Discipline with 10 years in mind; imagine an 18year old wanting to date your 15 year old daughter - good thing will not happen. Let her slam the door, declare that "Ihave the worst parents in the whole world"; she and you will have short term pain, but in 10 years you (and she) will be glad for the decision.
Some parents fear to set limits because they are in a popularity contest; they fear loss of their child’s love. Children need to respect you not love you. Children know they are loved when the parents sets limits. They will be glad, you will be glad – later.
How to Parent With Love and Limits
Actions = Consistent Consequences (Proverbs 13:24 “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”; Proverbs 22:15 “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.”) Proverbs 29:19 “A servant will not be corrected by words: for though he understand he will not answer.
Actions = Consistent Consequences (Proverbs 13:24 “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”; Proverbs 22:15 “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.”) Proverbs 29:19 “A servant will not be corrected by words: for though he understand he will not answer.
There has to be actions / consequences.
_ Small Children: (1-6) # 1 priority: They must learn to obey your voice, the first time.
_ Preteens: (7-12) #1 priority: learn to be responsible. Responsible for their actions, attitudes, homework, chores, room, pets, etc. You need to set up systems and structures to enforce habits with consequences for both good and bad behavior. Make the responsibilities very clear such as “When your bed is made and your homework is done then these things may happen“ and “When your bed is not made, your homework not done, you talk back then this happens.” Write it out; post it where it is clearly seen. This is a contract; when you do this, and this, and this then this will happen. Teaching responsibility is paramount. Your child will not have an employer who will call your child to get then to come to work three times a day.
By the time your child is in Junior High they should have an alarm clock, get themselves up, dress for and be ready for the day. By early High School they should be doing their own laundry and maybe helping with meal preparation or yard work.
_ Teens: (13-16) #1 priority learn to make good choices. They should be starting to be self directed. . Discipline is towards choosing, friends, money, clothes, spending time, music, and setting priorities. The how is through contracts. Negotiate the consequences of poor choices. Sit down with your child on a weekly basis and have a family conference to discuss family values and their choices. With a signed contract you don’t have to have a power struggle; you are not the “bad guy”.
Words = Clear instructions (Proverbs 1:8 “My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother:”; Proverbs 2:1-2 “My son, if thou wilt receive my words, and hide my commandments with thee; So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding;”; Proverbs 3:1 “My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments:”; Proverbs 7:1-2 “My son, keep my words, and lay up my commandments with thee. Keep my commandments, and live; and my law as the apple of thine eye.”)
_ Small Children:
“The Who”: Who is God?
“The What”; what is He like? He is kind, He is loving, He is holy, He is the creator.
“The content”: Old testament stories, lots about Jesus: Jesus rescues Peter in the boat, the calming storm, the raising of lazarus, Jesus is God, Jesus is your friend.
“The How”: Bed time stories; read to them, talk to them, pray with them.
_ Preteens:
“The What”: What is right, what is wrong, what is true, what is untrue. This is a time for memorizing books of the bible, and scripture. Teach basic bible doctrines: who is Christ, what is the trinity, what is baptism, salvation, heaven, hell, devil, sin, etc.
“The How”: suppertime discussions – keep it short and frequent.
_ Teens:
“The Why” Why should I believe that God created the world, my teacher says that we evolved? Why should I believe that sex before marriage is wrong, nobody else believes this? Why should I submit to authority? Why should I believe that God has my best interest in mind?
Now is the time to teach them how to think. Teach them basic apologetics. Teach them the biblical view of the world as opposed to the world view. Teach them how to find truth in the bible themselves. Teach them to have their own devotions.
Discuss at the supper table what they are reading right now and what they think about it. Give reading assignments and discuss what they have read.
This is the time for them to be making their own choices. It is not a bad thing to let them make a bad choice and to have to suffer the consequences of it. It is better for this to happen while they are still at home than once they have left!
PUNISHMENT VS. DISCLIPLINE
PUNISHMENT vs. DISCLIPLINE
PUNISHMENT
Purpose: To inflict penalty for an offense
Focus: Past misdeeds
Attitude: Hostility and frustration on the part of the parent
Resulting emotion in the child: Fear and guilt
DISCLIPLINE
Purpose: To train for correction and maturity
Focus: Future correct acts
Attitude: Love and concern on the part of the parent
Resulting emotion in the child: Security
Practical Tips for Balanced Parenting
1. Have a few, clear responsibilities / rules; keep it simple.
2. Develop written contracts; be objective.
3. Negotiate consequences with your child.
4. Be consistent!
5. The older they get, the fewer the rules.
6. Train them to be on their own.
Develop A Game Plan
1. Identify the top two problems
2. Honestly evaluate your parenting style
3. Have a family conference; lay out the problems; theirs and yours, if you need to ask for forgiveness if you have been wrong
4. Prepare to be tested,
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