What's a Child to Do?

What’s a Child to Do?

Introduction – God’s First Words to Children

Ephesians viewpoint of children:

• Patria Poestas – The father’s power is absolute: to sell you, to take your life; for the lifetime of the father.
• Power to accept or reject: child laid at fathers feet – to accept by picking up the child or to reject by turning away: if rejected infant is taken to forum or destroyed.
• Unwanted children: too many mouths to feed. Children taken to forum and left; may be claimed by others who would sell child as slave (male) or prostitute (female).
• Merciless to the deformed or sickly child.

It is the bible and Christ that changed the culture by the introduction of family.

The first time God spoke to man at Mount Sinai he gave commandments; the first commandment regarding human relationships was the fifth commandment (Exodus 20:12)

The Command – “Honour thy father and thy mother:”
The Promise – “that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.”
Exodus 20:12

I. What Does It Mean “To Honor” Your Parents?

• Definition = lit. “to glorify, to ascribe value and worth, to respect, to hold in high regard”
• Word Usage in Old Testament =
  Leviticus 19:3 – to fear, have awe, and respect.
  Deuteronomy 26:19 – give fame, praise, and speak well of a person.
  1 Sam 2:29-30 – wants to please and above any other relationship

II. Why Did God Give This Command?

1. It is the Foundation for Human Relationships: Honor is the foundation of all human relationships; this is God’s plan

2. It is the Foundation for Respect of Authority: God wants us to have reverence, obedience and respect for authority; He wants us to submit to an authority figure that we can see as a child so that when we are older we will submit to an authority that we cannot see.

3. It is the Foundation of Human development: How you relate to your parents will impact every area of your life. How you relate, how you love, how you obey, how you respect, how you respond: your relationship with your parents is the most fundamental shaping relationship you will every experience in the world. For better or worse, how you view your sexuality, your self image, your values, your morals, your principals are shaped by this relationship and are what you will become.

Parents, you are to live in such a way that you will deserve honor; Kids, there is a guardian, an authority figure, over you to whom you are to revere, respect, and obey as though they are speaking for God!

III. What Does It Look Like To Honor Our Parents?

• As a Child, I honor my parents by obeying them.

"Children, obey (obey = hoopo+achuo; under the sound of a voice) your parents in the Lord: for this is right. (God says so) Honour thy father and mother; which is the first (priority ranking) commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth." Ephesians 6:1-3

Summary: When you obey your parent, you are obeying God!

Definition of a parent = In loco dia which is Latin for instead of or in place of God.

Three thoughts about biblical obedience:

• It must be immediate
• It must be complete (the bible is full of examples of incomplete obedience, Saul being one of then). Partial obedience is dis-obedience.
• It is attitude: your body language must be right, your actions must be right, your eyes must be right: obedience must be from the heart!

Obey even if you do not agree with the command. Decide that I am going to obey mother, not because she is right (she is human after all), but because God ordained her to be my mother. When you do that all of God’s blessing will flow into into your life.

Another observation:

This passage was written at a time that it would be read to the church. Since this is a command directed to children then children would have been present to hear God’s command to them. This verse was written directly to children.

Three observations:

1. God addresses children directly, children have great value in His eyes.
2. Children are accountable for commands that they hear.
3. Since children were present with their families, it is meant for families to worship together!

• As a Young Person, I honor my parents by respecting and cooperating with them.

"Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old." Proverbs 23:22

"Whoso curseth his father or his mother, his lamp shall be put out in obscure darkness." Proverbs 20:20

God is very serious about disobedient children, in fact He ranks disobedience right up with murder, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, and inventors of evil things. See Romans 1:29-30

Also repeated in 2 Timothy 3:2 “. . . disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy. . .”

God is serious about disrespect – see Deut: 21:18-21 for the Old Testament solution for rebellious child.

• As an Adult, I honor my parents by affirmation and provision.

(Affirmation verses)

“The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice: and he that begetteth a wise child shall have joy of him.” (Affirmation by words) Proverbs 23:24

“Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.” (Affirmation by action) Proverbs 3:27

The greatest gift of affirmation is your character; it’s who you are not how successful or rich.

Key words:

1. Communication (call them, write – e-mail them),
2. thoughtfulness (include them in special events), and
3. Respect (Ask them for some advice).
   
   (Provision verses)

“But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God.” 1Timothy 5:4

“But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” 1Timothy 5:8

Also see Matthew 15:1-9

IV. Are There Times When We Can’t Honor Our Parents’ Wishes? Yes!

Mark 10:23–31 = The Priority of Salvation
Luke 9:59–62 = The Priority of Service
Ephesians 5:31-33 = The Priority of Marriage
Proverbs 9:7–9 = The Priority of Wisdom


Discussion Questions
1. Why do you think God makes the family such a high priority? How does He feel about children?
2. How does our culture’s view of both “authority” and “aging” affect our obedience to the 5th Command?
3. In what ways do you feel good about how you are “honoring your parents?” Which aspects need some attention? How will you address these?
4. Where do you find it difficult “to know” exactly what honoring your parents looks like? Who could you talk to get help in this area?

What’s a Parent to Do?

There is no greater joy than to hear your child say to someone else that what they want to do or be when they grow up is to be like Dad or Mom. All parents desire that their child grow and develop, that there is a strong bond and that the child will carry on and do right. This is a long term goal.

The Question - What’s it take to raise kids that love God and love you when they’re grown? Scripture clearly shows us how. In fact in Ephesians 6:4 we have a peep hole into which if we look the whole picture of the truth and what to do opens up.

The Answer - Ephesians 6:4 – 4 Key Words
Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

- “don’t provoke” = over correct, be harsh, fault finding, perfectionist. Parents don’t keep raising the bar; watch the ought’s, must’s, should’s, and don’ts.
- “bring up” = nurture, rear, tenderly develop in the sphere of character and principles (tender love and tough love) Nurturing, in this sense, is to treat with fond affection, care and concern.
- “nurture” = discipline, chastise, training (2 Tim. 3:16 “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:) It’s what is done to the child. (Through your actions behavior is changed)
- “admonition” = instruction, warn, correct, reprove, implore It’s what is said to the child.


Summary – We are to parent with LOVE and LIMITS

In the past several weeks we have been exploring Gods plan for our lives. It starts with a Covenant marriage; Men are to step up to provide, protect, and nurture; Women are to step in to support to nurture, protect, and provide; parents are to be good stewards of the children God has blessed them where you have unconditional love for that child and that you bring the child to be raised to be a good Christian by setting limits and direct their path.


Secular Research’s Affirmation – 4 Kinds of Parents



















1. Permissive = high love, low discipline; fearful style; afraid to discipline due to fear the child will not like them.
2. Neglectful = low love, low discipline; parents don’t give a rip; forsaken style.
3. Authoritarian = low love, high discipline; fighting style; Hitler; lots of ought, do, don’t, should; children reject parents and faith, and rebel.
4. Authoritative = high love, high discipline; children have positive long term relationships with family and others.

Secular research came to the conclusion that parents that provided lots of love and set limits raised well balanced adjusted children - Just as God said so many years ago!

So, how do you do this with a 2 year old, a 15 year old, a 8 year old?

In Hebrew 12:4-11 scripture gives us a snapshot of how to do this by looking on God’s parenting methods.

God’s Prescription for Child Development

“Ye have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin. 5 And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: 6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. 7 If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? 8 But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. 9 Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? 10 For they (earthly fathers) verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he (God) for our profit, (why) that we might be partakers of his holiness. 11 Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.” Hebrews 12:4-11

Summary = Discipline is teaching obedience to God and His Word through consistent consequences (actions) and clear instructions (words) in an atmosphere of love.

_ The necessity of discipline = To deter _(Destruction)_ v. 4.
Sin brings ruin to relationships with God and man, brings illness, and loss. We have a sin nature from birth; none of us has to be taught to sin.
Illustration of chalet, sports car, winding road with guardrails, they are seen by us as a distraction, a pain but God places them there for our protection; if we were to break through the guardrail we would fall 1000 feet and be a pancake. These guardrails are His instructions; they are there for our good to prevent our destruction. God loves us so much that when you get going to fast or off the path He will bring circumstance to bear to bring you back; a ding here, a loss there, what ever it takes to keep you on the right path.

_ The means of discipline = The action and words to bring about change. v. 5.
Consistent actions and clear instruction need to be given to keep one on the right path; so that you land well with holiness.

_ The motive in discipline = To express __Love_v. 6-9.
Love is giving people what they need to become all they are supposed to become; that it may be good for them.
The issue is to give your child what they need, not necessarily what they want, and what they need is to respect you.
There is a difference between punishment and discipline: punishment is to pay a price for past misdeeds; discipline is to correct behavior towards future behavior. Christ paid for past misdeeds. God never punishes but He does discipline; the goal of discipline is not payment but to redirect your path.

_ The goal of discipline = To teach _obedience _v. 9.
Ephesians 6:1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.” The word “obey” here means to respond to or be under the sound of a voice; the commands of a parent.
Teaching your small child to obey your voice quickly is paramount in the early years.
If you cannot teach your child to obey your voice the first time when they can see you, how do you expect them to obey the voice of an invisible God that cannot be seen?
Christ said John 15:14 “Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you”

_ The result of discipline = Short term _Pain_ and long term _Gain_ v. 10-11.
Discipline with 10 years in mind; imagine an 18year old wanting to date your 15 year old daughter - good thing will not happen. Let her slam the door, declare that "Ihave the worst parents in the whole world"; she and you will have short term pain, but in 10 years you (and she) will be glad for the decision.
Some parents fear to set limits because they are in a popularity contest; they fear loss of their child’s love. Children need to respect you not love you. Children know they are loved when the parents sets limits. They will be glad, you will be glad – later.

How to Parent With Love and Limits

Actions = Consistent Consequences (Proverbs 13:24 “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”; Proverbs 22:15 “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.”) Proverbs 29:19 “A servant will not be corrected by words: for though he understand he will not answer.

There has to be actions / consequences.

_ Small Children: (1-6) # 1 priority: They must learn to obey your voice, the first time.

_ Preteens: (7-12) #1 priority: learn to be responsible. Responsible for their actions, attitudes, homework, chores, room, pets, etc. You need to set up systems and structures to enforce habits with consequences for both good and bad behavior. Make the responsibilities very clear such as “When your bed is made and your homework is done then these things may happen“ and “When your bed is not made, your homework not done, you talk back then this happens.” Write it out; post it where it is clearly seen. This is a contract; when you do this, and this, and this then this will happen. Teaching responsibility is paramount. Your child will not have an employer who will call your child to get then to come to work three times a day.
By the time your child is in Junior High they should have an alarm clock, get themselves up, dress for and be ready for the day. By early High School they should be doing their own laundry and maybe helping with meal preparation or yard work.

_ Teens: (13-16) #1 priority learn to make good choices. They should be starting to be self directed. . Discipline is towards choosing, friends, money, clothes, spending time, music, and setting priorities. The how is through contracts. Negotiate the consequences of poor choices. Sit down with your child on a weekly basis and have a family conference to discuss family values and their choices. With a signed contract you don’t have to have a power struggle; you are not the “bad guy”.

Words = Clear instructions (Proverbs 1:8 “My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother:”; Proverbs 2:1-2 “My son, if thou wilt receive my words, and hide my commandments with thee; So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding;”; Proverbs 3:1 “My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments:”; Proverbs 7:1-2 “My son, keep my words, and lay up my commandments with thee. Keep my commandments, and live; and my law as the apple of thine eye.”)

_ Small Children:
“The Who”: Who is God?
“The What”; what is He like? He is kind, He is loving, He is holy, He is the creator.
“The content”: Old testament stories, lots about Jesus: Jesus rescues Peter in the boat, the calming storm, the raising of lazarus, Jesus is God, Jesus is your friend.
“The How”: Bed time stories; read to them, talk to them, pray with them.

_ Preteens:
“The What”: What is right, what is wrong, what is true, what is untrue. This is a time for memorizing books of the bible, and scripture. Teach basic bible doctrines: who is Christ, what is the trinity, what is baptism, salvation, heaven, hell, devil, sin, etc.
“The How”: suppertime discussions – keep it short and frequent.

_ Teens:
“The Why” Why should I believe that God created the world, my teacher says that we evolved? Why should I believe that sex before marriage is wrong, nobody else believes this? Why should I submit to authority? Why should I believe that God has my best interest in mind?

Now is the time to teach them how to think. Teach them basic apologetics. Teach them the biblical view of the world as opposed to the world view. Teach them how to find truth in the bible themselves. Teach them to have their own devotions.

Discuss at the supper table what they are reading right now and what they think about it. Give reading assignments and discuss what they have read.

This is the time for them to be making their own choices. It is not a bad thing to let them make a bad choice and to have to suffer the consequences of it. It is better for this to happen while they are still at home than once they have left!

PUNISHMENT VS. DISCLIPLINE


PUNISHMENT vs. DISCLIPLINE

PUNISHMENT

Purpose: To inflict penalty for an offense
Focus: Past misdeeds
Attitude: Hostility and frustration on the part of the parent
Resulting emotion in the child: Fear and guilt

DISCLIPLINE

Purpose: To train for correction and maturity
Focus: Future correct acts
Attitude: Love and concern on the part of the parent
Resulting emotion in the child: Security

Practical Tips for Balanced Parenting

1. Have a few, clear responsibilities / rules; keep it simple.
2. Develop written contracts; be objective.
3. Negotiate consequences with your child.
4. Be consistent!
5. The older they get, the fewer the rules.
6. Train them to be on their own.

Develop A Game Plan

1. Identify the top two problems

2. Honestly evaluate your parenting style

3. Have a family conference; lay out the problems; theirs and yours, if you need to ask for forgiveness if you have been wrong

4. Prepare to be tested,