Building an Indestructible Marriage – 4 Romance in your marriage

Song of Solomon 2:1-4 I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys. ₂ As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters. ₃ As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. ₄ He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. Song of Solomon 4:7-9 Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. ₈ Come with me from Lebanon, my spouse, with me from Lebanon: look from the top of Amana, from the top of Shenir and Hermon, from the lions' dens, from the mountains of the leopards. ₉ Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck.

Introduction:

As many of you know I owned a 1969 Karmon Gia convertible. What many of you saw was a Candy-apple red with metal flake and five coats of lacquer on the outside and white leather interior. It was a very classy car and a head turner. That car was not in that shape when I bought it. I found it at a junk yard. The body was rusty and dinged, the top was in shreds and the leather was cracked and torn. In 1969 when that car was driven off the show room floor it was someone’s pride and joy. I can imagine that it was washed and polished weekly, the leather carefully cleaned. At some point they stopped washing and waxing the exterior; at some point they stopped cleaning the carpet and upholstery; at some point their desire toward that car dwindled and the car became a common-place mode of transportation. So, how did it end up in the junk yard? Lack of maintenance!

Last week I quoted that 51% of all marriages ends in divorce. Each of these couples stood at the altar with all the hopes and dreams of a wonderful future together. I dare say that none of them thought that in a short time they would be standing at the judge’s bench at divorce court! None of the friends and family that attended the wedding thought that this marriage would end this way. How does this happen? Lack of maintenance! One day they just woke up and weren’t as excited about the marriage and about the spouse. At some point they get used to each other and take each other for granted; at some point the marriage becomes common-place: the shine and excitement has worn off of the marriage! Is this your story?

The good news is that the Lord is a great forgiver and if you want to you can restore the relationship and make it shine again – all it takes is maintenance. If your marriage has become boring, if your marriage has become something other than what you got married for there is a chemical you can spray on it that will take away all the rust. Remember the Ronco commercials? There is a substance that you can apply to your marriage that will make it strong and indestructible; it will restore the passion in your marriage: that chemical is called ROMANCE!

Romance is the least understood but the most important part of marriage. Every person, man and woman, desperately needs romance. Romance is so nebulous and misunderstood. There are three things that many people believe; first is that romance is just for women and some strange men. Actually, romance is not just for women, it is a deep seated need that we all have. The second thing that many people believe is that it is a feeling that you cannot control; a mood: “Iwish that I was romantic but my hormones are out of whack”; “I wish I was romantic but I’m just not that kind of person”. However, romance is an atmosphere that you can control! It is not dependent on your personality type, it doesn’t matter your stage of life – Romance is an atmosphere and you can control it! Thirdly, people believe that romance is a seasonal extra and not a daily event; it is for Valentines Day or when you are in trouble . . . Romance is a daily feature in strong marriages; romance is the emotional cornerstone of passion and intimacy. Because, when you keep your relationship dynamic, life is so exciting, life is so full! You will never have the marriage that your really want with out romance.

The term Romance is so nebulous, and so undefined that most people do not know what you are talking about and will not have the same understanding as you have. Romance; made up of three ingredients:

The first ingredient is meeting an unspoken need or desire. This means that you are proactive and take the initiative and not having to be asked or begged for all the time. It is important to tell one another what your needs are, after all we cannot read one another’s mind; but when you have to keep telling someone to do something for them – when it is done it really doesn’t matter anymore. Romance is meaningful when you don’t have to beg to get something; this is being proactive!

Here is an example. Men, when you go out to eat have a list of restaurants that she like to offer. If you offer Appleby’s she may say no, then you suggest Grandys that is a no also, eventually you will offer the one she wants! This is being proactive; women like it when you are proactive: you are showing that you thought of where to eat, all places that she likes; this shows that you care. When it come to choosing where to go she will say “Honey, you choose something”; they will change it but you are demonstrating that you are proactive and that you thought of something yourself for them! The way you fell in love was being highly focused and proactive. When you started dating you studied each other intently, you were sitting there calculating all the time; “here is what they like, here is what they don’t like and if I want another date I’d better watch my manners!” You learned all that you could about the other person. The way you fall out of love is to become insensitive to the other needs; you don’t care anymore: you say by your inaction “I don’t care, I’m not studying you anymore, I’m not trying to be proactive any longer; I’m not trying to figure out what you need before you need it” – no maintenance

Here is the core issue: Romance says two things that are incredibly important to say. The 1^st thing romance says is “you’re on my heart”. When a husband sends flowers to his wife, it is not the flowers that are important, it’s the fact that he was thinking about his wife. Why was he thinking of his wife? She was on his heart! The 2^nd thing romance says is “I’m paying attention to you because I want to please you; your needs are important to me”. A lack of romance says “I don’t value you”. Rejection is our greatest fear we have as human beings; love is our greatest need, rejection our greatest fear. When we feel rejection is causes such tremendous pain that we do all kinds of crazy things to protest ourselves from rejection. One of those things is that we withdraw: because you make me feel rejected I want to get away from you! I want to stay away from you, your mouth, and your attitude; when I’m around you I feel ugly and less attractive. It is your responsibility to speak the language of desire to your spouse, that language is romance!

The second ingredient in romance is speaking love in your spouse’s language. Men and women are very very different in the language they speak; this is profound but not well understood. We both need romance, but romance looks different to men and women. Off times, in a marriage, there is a battle over the definition of romance. Men need romance, but to a man romance looks like – Naked, sex, fun, let’s watch the football game in our underwear – This is romantic to him. But, to a woman, romance is long, slow, touch, talk, staring, anticipating; she doesn’t what to get there too quick. If there is sex involved it is at the end of a very long road!

So, what happens is this battle takes place to see who is going to win in the battle of romance. Romance is a demonstration, not a lesson! Great marriages are emotionally bi-lingual; he speaks woman; she speaks man. Romance is a harmony.

Romance is this: she has an instrument that she is playing, but she is playing his song; it’s intoxicating to him; she speaks man. She comes into this world with a gift of sex, it doesn’t matter if she feels sexual or not, most of the time she does not, Doesn’t matter! What matters is that she knows how to play his song, and she knows how to use her gift. She is playing his song and he’s sitting over there playing her song, it’s “Let’s talk about our feelings, all about our feelings” and it’s beautiful and an intoxicating song of harmony that happens when people are romantic!

Lack of romance is this: He completely rejects her and says “Ah you want me to come to a candle light dinner with you and talk about my feelings and do all that foo foo stuff? I don’t want to do that! We’re going to watch NASCAR; we’re going to play the man song in this house! We’re going to watch football and I have special plans for half-time! That’s what we’re going to do in this house! And, she’s sitting there and is saying “No, we’re going to watch the Lifetime Network and during commercials we’re going to talk about our feelings and cry! You just don’t know that you need this, but you really do!” The truth is he really doesn’t need that and neither does she need his view.

I once met a man who is a missionary to Columbia, SA. He had his child hood in Bronx, New York, USA. He was raised speaking English in an English speaking home. He had been on the mission field for 30 years when I met him. I asked him the question "What language do you think in?" His response was "Why, . . . Spanish"

Listen, for you to succeed in marriage you must learn to think in the opposite language! Marriage is not giving language lessons! If you feel that you must give a lesson in Man or Woman that means that someone is not paying attention! You were successful in dating because you were focused, learned what was important and started speaking their language! Romance is learning your mate’s language! And speaking it!

The third ingredient in romance is communicating a unique value to your spouse: Romance is for one person! Exodus 34:14 For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: You must be consistent; your spouse must know every day that you are interested in them and them only. Be disciplined, romance is a daily habit not just when you are in trouble. Habits are built of perfect practice. Have you ever noticed that the more you exercise and eat right the more you want to; the more you don’t exercise and eat poorly the more you want to do that also! Be your spouse’s best friend.

Men, she needs security knowing that you are for her and her only; she needs your non-sexual touching and affection; she needs you to talk to her about your feelings towards her. Talking, touching and being close is romantic to a woman!