Conflict resolution skills are critical for us to learn. The reason is because we are sure to have conflict in marriage. Without the ability to successfully resolve our problems, anger and emotional distance builds over time.
Every marriage has problems, even good marriages. The difference between a good and a bad marriage is simply the ability to work through our problems. The good news is every person can learn the skills of successful conflict resolution. Regardless of the mistakes you may have made in the past, you can turn your marriage and life around by learning these skills. By the way, conflict resolution skills don’t just work in marriage they help us in every relationship.
Be Angry…But Learn to Deal With It
Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath…” The first thing the Apostle Paul tells us about dealing with anger is that we must acknowledge it. He says, “Be angry…” Denying anger doesn’t make it go away, it makes it build up until it explodes in a destructive and unmanageable manner.
When I got married, I didn’t know how to deal with anger. I stuffed a lot of it inside and about every three months I would have an explosive fight. Sometimes the fight were about the dumbest little things but they were just the spark that caused the stored up anger inside to explode.
What I learned over time is that I couldn’t go to bed on anger. I not only learned to accept my own anger but I also learned that I had to give the other the right to be angry and to express anger. In dysfunctional relationships, there is always a wrong method of dealing with anger. The range goes from an explosive anger that damages others to an enabling spouse who lives in the fear of their own anger and what might happen if they were honest about it. Many people live in fear of their own anger and their spouse’s anger. This is one of the ways you know you aren’t resolving conflict properly.
Anger isn’t necessarily good or bad it’s just real.
Anger isn’t necessarily good or bad it’s just real. As human beings we get angry. Sometimes it is because we’ve been genuinely violated. In other cases, it’s because we’re immature or have unrealistic expectations or are selfish. When I’m angry and need to get it out I’m not claiming that I’m right, I’m just angry.
Learning to be honest about your anger and allowing your spouse to do the same is the first step in successful conflict resolution. Remember, Paul said, “Be angry and do not sin…”
Once you are able to accept your anger you must also commit to doing the right thing with it. You can never use your anger to justify unrighteous behavior. The end doesn’t justify the means. How you resolve conflict is crucial. It must be done in a manner that honors God and treats your spouse with dignity and care.
Yesterday’s Anger is Dangerous
Positive conflict resolution begins with an acceptance of our anger and by allowing our spouse to be honest about theirs also. The second step in positive conflict resolution has to do with how we confront each other. Even though some anger can be dealt with in prayer or on a personal level, much of our anger related to our spouse’s behavior must be talked out.
This means we need to learn how to approach one another when we are angry. This is such a critical lesson for us to learn because uncontrolled or unrighteous anger can be so destructive. In learning to deal with confrontation, we first of all need to wait until our anger is under control but to do it today. Ephesians 4:26b-27 tells us, “…do not let the sun go down on your wrath, neither give place to the devil.”
Going to bed on unresolved anger gives the devil an opportunity to interpret our spouse’s behavior to us and accuse them. The word “devil” in Ephesians 4:27 is the Greek word “diabolos”. It means “slanderer”. Wait for an hour or two until your emotions are under control but don’t fall into the bad habit of going to bed angry and waiting for days or weeks to confront.
Today’s anger is very manageable. Yesterday’s anger is dangerous because it has fermented and been affected by “diabolos, the slanderer”. He is a master at dividing us and creating offenses. Remember, he is a liar and the father of lies. His job is to offend you at your spouse and convince you they are against you and their motives are evil. Unresolved anger is his open door to do this.
When I first got married I could go for months angry. When I got mad, I got quiet. That is my natural personality. When I’m the maddest, I’m the quietest. That is ok on the short term, because it keeps me from saying or doing things I would regret in response to my anger. However, it is a very negative trait in the long term.
I have learned over the years not to get mad and get quiet. We know how dangerous it is to give the devil an opportunity in my marriage through unresolved anger. I make it a practice to confront in love every day. It is just a matter of housekeeping in a good relationship. It takes anger and makes it a domesticated cat. Going to bed on anger allows it to grow into a raging lion. Anger is going to be in your marriage but how you deal with it determines its size and nature.
You don’t have to be afraid of anger. It is a reality in every marriage. The first thing you do is to allow yourself and your spouse to be honest about your anger. The second thing you do is confront today, but wait a few minutes or a few hours until you are in control and won’t say or do anything you’ll regret or that will damage your spouse.
Talk with your spouse about this issue. Make a commitment to allow each other the freedom to talk about your negative feelings without being punished. Also, make a commitment never to go to bed angry again without talking things out and mapping out a plan of resolve. This is crucial to the success of your marriage.
First Three Minutes are the Most Important
It has been proven in research that the first three minutes of any confrontation between spouses dictates the rest of the encounter. Harsh start-up dooms a conversation to failure from the beginning. Harsh start-up means beginning our disagreements with our spouses by yelling, accusing, making threats, name calling or so on.
Again, research proves that how we start determines how we finish. So, if you start in a wrong manner, it is better to stop the conversation and come back in a few minutes or hours and start it back up. It is also very important that we apologize and take responsibility for anything we’ve said in starting up the confrontation that is mean or damaging.
When you’re angry, it’s important that you talk it out with your spouse. The danger of going to bed angry is because it gives the devil (the accuser) an opportunity to interpret our spouse’s behavior and motives to us. This sets us up to confront them with our guns blazing as we accuse them and are verbally aggressive. This immediately puts our spouse in a defensive, no-win situation. The only thing they can do is to admit they are a louse and beg for mercy. That won’t happen very often!
The way to confront is to begin by affirmation of your love and commitment to the relationship. Say something like this: “Honey, I’m upset and I want to talk to you. Before I say what I want to say, I just want you to know that I love you and I’m committed to you. I’m so glad we’re married and I know we’ll work this out. I also know I may be wrong, but I just need to talk and let you know how I’m feeling.”
The way to confront is to begin by affirmation of your love and commitment to the relationship.
When you confront in this manner, your spouse is in no way threatened. Your humble, affirming posture puts them in the best environment possible to hear what you have to say and to be able to respond.
I have known many couples who begin every serious confrontation with threats of divorce or by calling their spouses terrible names. Remember this…words are nuclear and eternal. The Bible says “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21); we have the power of death and life in our mouths. People who don’t understand this damage each other and ruin their chances at happiness.
Those who understand the power of words realize that they must be careful with what they say. Never is this principle more important than in conflict resolution. When our feelings are hurt and we feel rejected and angry we must keep our words carefully controlled. This is when we must not allow our emotions to control our actions but rather, let wisdom control our words.
To successfully resolve conflict you must begin with words of love and affirmation. Remember, the first three minutes of the conversation will determine the outcome in almost every case. Use them wisely and your marriage will reap the benefits.
Complain But Don’t Criticize
There is a difference between complaining and criticizing. This is such a crucial distinction to understand when we are trying to work through problems.
All of us need the freedom to complain to our spouse. We also need to make sure our spouse knows they have the right to complain to us. In a healthy marriage, there is a freedom of expression that allows us to talk openly without fear of retribution or shame.
When we complain, we must remember that it isn’t about our spouse, it is about us. Even though we may be complaining about something they have done that bothers us, the focus is on how we feel. In other words, if Debbie has done something that bothers me and I confront her about it I would say something like, “Debbie, you were short tempered with me this morning and it bothered me. I don’t know what was wrong, you could have been mad at me or it might have been something else, but I don’t like it when you respond to me that way. If I’ve done something to make you mad then I want you to tell me.”
Notice that I didn’t begin by accusing or attacking her. I began by talking about how I felt and my desire to understand what happened. I also said that if I had done something wrong, then I wanted to know it and take responsibility for it. Complaining gets everything out on the table without demeaning our spouse or putting them on the defensive.
Criticizing is different. Criticizing focuses on the other person as it accuses them and immediately puts them on the defensive. If I were going to say the same thing I said before to Debbie, but I did it in a critical manner here is what I would say: “Debbie, you were short tempered with me this morning and I don’t appreciate it. There is something wrong with you and I want you to figure out what it is and stop it. I don’t deserve to be treated like that. I’ve done nothing wrong and you’re just a hot head. The next time you do that I’m going to let you have it.”
Notice the difference in complaining and criticizing? Complaining explains the problem, but gives our spouse a gracious way to respond and explain their side. Since it focuses on how I feel and doesn’t try to interpret their actions, it keeps the conversation civil and constructive.
Criticizing immediately puts you in a battle mode. The confronter becomes the judge and jury and the confronted spouse becomes the criminal trying to prove their innocence in a hostile environment. Bottom line — criticizing doesn’t work.
You must be careful to begin your confrontations with affirmation and respect for your spouse. Research has proven that a conversation will seldom rise above the tone of the first three minutes. Also, complain but don’t criticize. Get your emotions under control before you confront and keep your mouth in check. Focus on how you feel and allow your spouse the right to complain back to you and explain what is going on inside of them.
If you will do this, you will see a lot of fruit from it. Your confrontations will be much more pleasant and productive. You will also be able to talk more freely with each other without the risk of hurting each other. This creates intimacy and friendship. That is the end result of successful conflict resolution. It lets you work through problems as you preserve and enhance the good will between you as you build an indestructible marriage.
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